Proper social networking

As some of you may know, I am a pretty traditional person. I like to

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! *WHEEEEZE* A HA! HA! Ha haaa! Heh heh heh...whoo! Boy, I really had me going there for a second!

But in all seriousness, there are a few things that I am stubbornly traditional about. I always take my shoes off when entering someone's house. I think text messaging is used by many people in a profane and unconscionable way that has on more than one occasion driven me to the brink of insanity. And I think that social networking is ruining the way that humans have been interacting for thousands of years.

Or at least I used to. You see, I am a huge fan of words. I like speaking them, I like typing them, I like listening to them. Alliteration allures me. I use the rule of three so much, I essentially made a blog about it. Et cetera. (By the way, world, it's etc, not ect. Even the spellchecker knows that! GET IT RIGHT OR GTFO!) More than the words themselves, though, do I appreciate the narrative that they comprise. The continuity, the spontaneity, the sense of oneness with your fellow person as you both let down your barriers just a little bit and commune with one another.

Facebook doesn't much care for this. Facebook comes at you in pokes and IMs and wall posts, a rapid-fire assault of stimuli whose only sense of continuity comes in the form of a "news feed", which is to online communication as the news ticker is to broadcast journalism: fleeting, incomplete, and ultimately a distraction from what's really going on: Rachel Maddow's undeniable nerdy grace and beauty, or Anderson Cooper's steely, seductive gaze. Rawr.

The point is, I always thought a strong adherence to facebook was sort of shallow. I thought it was a symptom of what these damn kids are doing with their new-fangled technologies: missing out on all the fun that we old people had speaking to one another with our mouths to one another's faces.

However, I've come to change my tune. I realize now that what I once saw as a competitor to age-old communication styles has become an augmentation to our abilities, a neural implant into the brain of the collective consciousness. When I used to scowl at people who would dare break the barrier between internet and IRL, I now openly discuss things that originated on the facebooks. "Did you see that thing that I sent you?" I'll say. "Let's talk about it!"

In this sense, facebook can be used not as an end to itself, but the means to an end; that end, of course, is the free exchange of ideas, the sharing of opinions, the communal delight that comes from exploring new sensations and stimuli with your fellow people.

So the next time you see me, be all like "Dudechick, that thing you sent me on the weberverse is totally radical!" and I'll be all like "CHYEAH, riiight?!" In a manner of speaking

I never thought I'd see "proper" in the title of anything with my name on it...

Also: You're damn right I used nested colons in the fifth paragraph! EAT IT!