Different differences

I'd like to talk today about different kinds of different. It seems obvious to me to say with certainty that there are more different combinations of ways to be different than there are people that have ever lived. What's more, there are more and more different ways to be different every day as our species becomes more and more complex. People express their differences in myriad ways through their clothing. Music, hair styles, piercings tattoos, minority status, occupation, race, religion...as we have become more accepting of who we are over the past several thousand years, we are becoming more comfortable acknowledging different kinds of differences. Sometimes this is used to harm others, as in the persistent myth that women and men are vastly different creatures and they will never understand each other. However, on the whole it seems to have increased our diversity, our complexity, and our potential, and such increases truly feel like progress.

For as many different ways that different people are different, however, there are as many similarities. While each step we take as a species opens up entirely new ways to be different, there are relatively few ways to be different within a difference. There is either a sliding scale--for instance, how tall are you, or how much do you like The Beatles--or a binary switch: male/female, black/white, Catholic/heathen, and so on. A true sign of progress is that many of these previously binary characteristics are becoming fluid. Now people can be "spiritual", and this can mean just about anything about the person claiming it, from being devout to just a dabbler. Being an "Independent" or "Unaffiliated" in political leanings is becoming more and more popular. However, even in these regards, many still feel the need to cling to some level of binary: Atheist, apolitical, post-gender. To not allow for that polarized option is not something people are going to give up easily, though, and so for now I am content to change all our switches to dimmers. 

I propose a new way to categorize differences, one that will perhaps shed some light on how to be more accepting of difference in general, and to differentiate between good and bad differences. It seems to me that for all the ways that people can be different, there are two main categories that they all fall under. One is "satisfied" by likeness to itself, and one is sated by difference from itself. I use the terms "satisfied" and "sated" because I conceive of who people are as a collection of parts, a "bundle" if you will, that are each distinct and must be treated differently, while the bundle itself can be treated as a whole when global problems arise. Perhaps a better metaphor is to relate the mind to a town. It is full of people who have their own jobs and concerns and families and lives, but when the church bell rings, they all gather to the steeple to pray, acting as a unit. In the same way, the mind is that sense of "township" that holds together all the different feelings, thoughts, sensations, and attributes that all always in operation. As such, each attribute has a way to most effectively express itself that is best suited for it alone. 

While the approach to maximizing the efficiency of each part of ourselves is different for each difference--hunger is not solved by white noise, but insomnia is--each strategy can be lumped into one of the two categories previously mentioned: being satisfied by sameness or difference. Take, for example, an interest in sports. The most efficient way to scratch that itch is to go out and find people who like sports about as much as you do and spend time with them doing sportsy things. While your newfound friends are different from the majority in regard to their love of sports (you and your friends being "sports fans", not "sports agnostics"), as a group you are similar in regard to your interest. 

The second category is where we get the phrase "opposites attract" from. These aspects of a person are those that, when they interact with others, forge deeper, more intimate relationships. These are often associated with romantic love, and they are what makes love so ineffable. Think of past loved ones, be they romantic partners or just very close friends. How many important parts of yourself don't match up at all...and that's what makes it special? Now I'm not talking about The Odd Couple here. There are certain aspects, such as cleanliness or fastidiousness, that for some must be equal between partners, otherwise a relationship is quickly seen as impossible. But, for instance, sense of humor: one partner is the joker, and the other, the laugher. Perhaps the joker wouldn't be able to satisfy hir sense of humor if ze had to compete with hir partner, and perhaps the laugher is completely comfortable in hir role and wouldn't change it if ze could. 

I think it is important to make a distinction between these two different kinds of difference because it can determine not only how to approach differences seen in others, but how to moderate and manage one's own personality. Take as an extreme example pedophilia. Every person possesses a propensity for pedophilia...it just so happens that the incredible overwhelming majority have either an aversion to pedophilia, no desire for it, or a small enough desire that it is does not cause personal distress and it is never acted upon. Most of us are the same as far as that difference goes. But those who could be labeled as pedophiles are obviously an extreme minority, quite different from the general population in at least that aspect of themselves. This drive is seated in difference: that of the age between the pedophile and hir preferred partner. What's more, it is not satisfied by any level of sameness: the pedophile takes no joy or comfort from spending time with other pedophiles.

Should this difference be accepted? We do not accept any pedophilic action in our society. By and large, we support those who acknowledge pedophilic desire and are trying to change themselves. Clearly, nobody advocates "acceptance" of pedophilia; most take a "hate the sin, not the sinner" attitude towards the issue. Now, this is not to make the point that desires that fall under the category of "satisfied by difference" are intrinsically bad. Certainly the differences between two people in love are not destructive, and can even serve as a cornerstone of the relationship. I suggest, however, that there is a sort of grid, like this one, that traits and desires can fit on. Just like with sexual orientation, there can be traits that are satisfied exclusively by being around sameness or exclusively by difference, but there are others that can be satisfied by either. Take love of sports, for example. Perhaps watching the game with buddies satisfies one's desire as much as watching it with someone who doesn't know about sports and explaining to that person exactly what is happening. Maybe one group of friends really enjoys hearing your sense of humor while another group loves getting in one-upmanship contests with you, battling wit against wit. 

There are also "asatisfiable" desires, such as pedophilia. If it were legal, pedophilia would likely still be polarized towards "satisfied by difference". However, since it is illegal, it is a desire that cannot truly be satisfied. (Clearly, many people satisfy this urge all the same, but we only know this because they're in prison now.) Another example is the so-called "furry fandom". Many furries would have this need satisfied by being different...in fact, being a completely different physical entity. This is obviously impossible, though a close facsimile can be had by wearing fursuits, collars, or tails, either in private or public. Since the primary mean to satisfy that desire is impossible, many furries cling closely to people who are in the fandom as well. They form incredibly tight knit communities bound together perhaps solely by their similar love of anthropomorphism. (Of course, I in no way mean to link anthropomorphism with pedophilia, and any perceived link is reactionary at best.)

So what does this mean? Well, seeing that as a species we still have a lot to learn about how to get along with each other, we can take steps in the right direction by analyzing our own traits and seeing if they are being satisfied in an efficient, harmonious way. If we find ourselves chasing our tails in futility trying to solve a problem in our lives, maybe looking in another direction for an answer will be the puzzle piece we need. Let's all just take some time, look at what really matters in our lives, and then compare it to how we're living now. Deal? Deal.